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Maybe depressed. Maybe content. Probably somewhere between.

Maybe depressed. Maybe content. Probably somewhere between.

Depression Is Easy. Maybe Contentment Is Too

November 02, 2018 by Brian Fay in Whatever Else

Depression is easy. Which is to say that it's easy for me to become depressed. It requires only a moment of the news, social media, or my job.

Getting out of depression seems tougher, but maybe it just requires some of the following:

  • Quit social media. Few things are so consistently negative in my life. I could tune my feeds so they led me to feel better, but that's more work than it would be worth. Quitting has proven a more efficient choice. I don't regret it.
  • Run. I have never regretted having gone for a run. Yet, in two months I have run two miles. Moving my body out in the world is the best treatment, but I get home from the job and it feels impossible to go run. I'll work on that.
  • Stop reading the news. I scan The New York Times, but read fewer and fewer articles. I don't care about political predictions or un-presidential rallies and tweets. My brother used to ask, "what good is the news?" I wonder the same thing.
  • Close the door and be alone. Breathe. Leave the television off. Don't put on a record. Sit. Rest. If sleep comes, let it.
  • Sleep eight hours. I'm staying up too late trying to have time to myself and with my family. Feeling tired makes it too difficult to feel content.
  • Write. Creating something lifts me. It makes me happy almost always, even when it is going poorly. I am content as I type this, as I revise it, as I consider the people who may read it.
  • Think of someone else. "If you want to be miserable, think of yourself. If you want to be happy, think of others." -- Sakyong Mipham.

After school, I'll go to my daughter's swim meet. She made sectionals and is trying to advance to states. At the pool I'll think of her, her, and her. I bet I'll be happy. I'm certain I'll feel content. And it's unlikely that I'll feel at all depressed.

Easy as that.

November 02, 2018 /Brian Fay
Depression, Contentment
Whatever Else
1 Comment
And if all this happened on a beach in Maine, that would be good too.

And if all this happened on a beach in Maine, that would be good too.

Good Days

October 17, 2018 by Brian Fay in Whatever Else, Writing

The perfect day isn't perfect. It is instead good, very good perhaps. I too often overlook good in search of better and perfect. Good is good. It is contentment which ought to be my only goal because I can choose to feel content.

Since this is my blog, let's focus on me for a bit. Let me tell you about my perfectly good day.

It begins without the alarm but in the October dark. I get up from under a thick blanket and replace blanket with coffee, sleeping with living, dreaming with writing. I go downstairs, grind beans, and press a good cup of coffee. I take my pen and coffee to the basement to write three pages by hand. There's no way I would rather begin each day.

Morning Pages written, I make buttered toast with jam and eat on the couch while reading a book as the family wakes and comes down one by one to get ready for school and work. I offer to drive kids to school or walk the dog, whatever works for them and by eight o'clock the house is mine. I put on a record, boot the Chromebook, and get to work.

First I focus on developing things. Creating. Drafting. Typing. This is when a blog post likely comes to mind, goes to my fingers, appears on the screen, and eventually gets posted online. This is when I continue working on long essays, stories, and sections of a book. I work through a few records until about eleven or noon at which point I print some of that stuff and get out of the chair.

My body needs to move. I go for a walk or a run to work my mind in a different way. I may think about writing or maybe just move. A shower follows and maybe a load of laundry or some brief housework. I warm up leftovers or make somethings for lunch and eat while reading the web or my book.

Then maybe a nap. I set an alarm, read on the couch until I fall asleep and recharge. After that I probably go to the library, buy coffee beans, get cash, pick up something from the hardware store, or make a stop at the co-op. Much as I can, I run these errands on foot, preferably with the dog. Moving my body after the nap puts me back in the world.

The kids and my wife come home and I spend time with them, drive them where they need to go, attend to their needs. We cook dinner and eat together. After dinner we clean up.

The rest of the evening is unscheduled. We may catch the latest Doctor Who or Atypical together. I might would go out with a friend. Whatever the case, the day ends with Stephanie and me tucked into bed, the lights out, rain turning to light snow.

I drift into sleep thinking, I can't wait to do it again tomorrow.

That's a good day. Just about perfect, though I'm content with good. I could be content for years of days like that. Now I just have to make it happen.

October 17, 2018 /Brian Fay
Contentment
Whatever Else, Writing
Comment
This map doesn't begin to capture how beautiful the run was. Maybe my writing will. 

This map doesn't begin to capture how beautiful the run was. Maybe my writing will. 

Catskill Mountain Runoff

February 21, 2018 by Brian Fay in Running

The only tough part of today's run was deciding to do it. I sat at the dining room table debating for ten minutes. Then, in a move that always works, I stood up with the sole intention of changing into running clothes. Back downstairs in shorts and shirt with my GPS watch around my wrist, my wife said, "you're going for a run." I guess I am. 

Out the door waited the Catskills. I walked through puddles in the driveway waiting for the watch to catch a satellite. It did just before Spring Glen Road and I started a trot toward the post office. I haven't run much of late and am fifteen pounds over normal weight which is fifteen pounds above healthy. It was just shy of fifty degrees and though I was in shorts and barefoot in Luna Sandals, I knew the long-sleeve wool, despite it's wondrous wicking, would be too warm. I figured I'd survive. 

Spring Glen Road turns into Mountaindale Road as it turns up the mountain. My mother-in-law and the people in town call it a mountain. It seems more a hill, but a rose by any other name would still be a steady uphill climb. I love the long, steady climb which bends and winds following Sandburg Creek which flows first on the right, then the left of the road. The thaw and high temperature had the creek rushing down the mountain, filling its banks. Nothing is so soothing as running near moving water. The metaphor carries me to a good place, as does climbing a long hill. 

Mountaindale Road is only lightly traveled in the busy times. Eleven on a Tuesday morning I met three cars in two miles, each of which I waved to. No one waved back. Forests grow on either side of the road with the creek flowing through. The houses are either well-kept cottages or run-down shacks. Garages tilt ten degrees from plumb, roofs bow inward, and driveways are mostly dirt, some lined with carefully constructed rock walls. The nicest houses are set back and I work to figure out how one gets to them as I pass. 

The road climbs up past the intersection with Red Hill Road. There is a pond on my right with a rickety bench at which I imagine sitting. On my left is a bridge that carryies Red Hill Road over Sandburg Creek. I turn, cross the bridge, and follow the undulating cracked pavement across the mountainside usually singing U2's "Red Hill Mining Town." I wonder how this road hasn't slid down the embankment, through the trees, into Sandburg Creek. That it's supposed to be two lanes is laughable in summer, frightening with snow banked on either side. 

The whole run I've felt happily alone and my mind has largely gone blank. I'm not projecting anything onto the run so much as soaking all of it in. Here on Red Hill Road, the solitude really kicks in. I look into the depths of forest, following small rivulets back to the creek, finding abandoned things parked or left between trees that have grown up around them. I'm not thinking about pace or distance or anything. On this run, distance was set when the road was first paved. If I go on, it's this long; if I turn around, it's that long. As for pace, there's no hurry nor any need to slow down. I'm moving as I feel. The solitary run's joy is in this moment as I move up and down the undulations of Red Hill Road moving from one side of the road to the other so as not to surprise or be surprised by oncoming traffic. And my mind is completely at ease, both attentive and quietly still. 

Looking down to my left I see Mountain Dale Road and hear Sandburg Creek. Where Red Hill Road is blank asphalt, cracked and crumbling at the edges, Mountaindale Road is properly lined and official. I'm far above it without having felt that I've climbed so high. Not trying to get anywhere, I've risen to a fine height. I pass houses on my right. No house could hang from the left. Even the trees give up and slide down with the water and leaves. 

I come to another T-intersection. Red Hill Road goes on toward Phillipsport where the road changes to a true one-lane going through a tunnel under the railroad then down to a church facing the wrong way to the road as old churches should. I've run that way before and love it, but although my legs feel good, I know that it's unwise to go too far. I take the left onto Meyerson Road and down, down, down the mountain more steeply than I climbed. Fields on the left look as though something grows there in season but they are puddle flooded and fallow now. A car backed in behind a locked gate has a price on the windshield, but how could anyone see it while driving by? 

Farther down are two small houses. The one on the right, a modular, has a picket fence for no good reason. I've never seen signs of life in it no matter the season, but it's too well kept to be abandoned. There's a trampoline in the yard. I imagine playing on it while no one is looking but see myself breaking my ankle or the trampoline, either of which would feel like a disaster. 

It's the house across the street I prefer. A single garage door with a stairwell beside it leading up to the house on the second story. The entire place is just wider than the garage and only goes back two car lengths. A studio apartment on the side of a mountain instead of in the City. I want to live there, write there, and run up and down this mountain from there. I pass on, wondering what it's like inside and who owns it. Would they let me live there? Could I quit my job and move? Of course not. I run on toward my family. 

A creek runs down the drainage culvert along the left of Meyerson Road. I run on the wrong side of the road to be with it. I imagine drinking from that cold, clear mountain water. Then I imagine Stuart Little riding a tiny kayak as I run alongside. The culvert enters a corrugated pipe and disappears underground. Damn it, I could have follow that water all day. Then it appears on the other side of the road. I rush over and follow it for a couple hundred yards until it drifts away from the road into the forest. Losing it this way is like letting a wild thing go free, and I run on, smiling. 

Just before the left turn onto Phillipsport Road are the remains of the Homowack, an old Catskills resort closed over a decade ago. The golf course off Meyerson went wild within a year and is now grown completely over. The Homowack buildings are in full ruin having been destroyed first by a group of Hassidic who lived there a year and then by kids spray painting walls and shattering giant dining hall windows. I run past, remembering a place I never really knew. 

I'm down from the mountain and the flat but twisting Phillipsport Road is empty for the the partial mile to home. I feel good. My legs have again proven strong no matter how long I let them go and even with the extra weight I carry. My mind is clear as the waters I've followed. To my right now is Homowack Kill, a creek leading to my mother-in-law's and in which my children still play in warm weather. I'm moving faster, my feet beating a good rhythm. I breathe easy and feel great knowing I've made nothing but good choices today. My destination appears just ahead. 

Back at the driveway, I stop the watch and see my daughters doing a photo shoot at the far edge of the yard. I walk toward them, hands on my hips, heart rate slowing, sweat running down from beneath my hat. My youngest sees me and throws her hand in the air waving. I'm tempted to run to them, but prefer to go slow and savor this return to family, the last moments of perfect solitude, the Catskills mountains rising above and the running waters clear and cold. 

February 21, 2018 /Brian Fay
Running, Catskills, Peace, Contentment, Solitude
Running
If you ever want pictures of your house, ask the neighbors across the street.The view from my window before my third shoveling of the driveway. 

If you ever want pictures of your house, ask the neighbors across the street.
The view from my window before my third shoveling of the driveway. 

Where I'm At

February 07, 2018 by Brian Fay in Whatever Else

School is closed. Most of the city, county, and state too. The snow is ridiculous. I've shoveled twice so far. Eight inches have fallen in about six hours. Syracuse, New York in February. 

My neighbor and I took a break from shoveling to talk across the street. "I had the choice to have lunch or shovel. Some choice," he said, leaning on his shovel. He's even more fastidious about hid driveway than I am but nowhere near happy about it. Snow is a bother. The cold too. The driving through all of it. Ugh. 

Our snowblower died and both to save money and be green I decided not to replace it. I've been shoveling and, aside from a bit of soreness, it has been fine. During these storms, I go out often. I'll be out there again within the hour. 

About now, someone says I'm crazy to live here. I understand, but it's not the snow that's toughest. It's the grey skies which I've seen drive people out of their happiness. Still, even under grey skies and feet of snow, I'm happy where I am. 

Really. 

I love snow days and generally like snow even though I don't ski and no longer snow blow (my favorite winter activity). I've begun to enjoy shoveling. The snow is beautiful and I like crazy weather that doesn't involve hurricane winds ripping off the roof or earth suddenly shifting beneath the foundation. Syracuse has tough snow but no disasters. I can deal with tough but try to avoid disaster. 

This is where I have lived. I went away for college and a job, but there was no question where we would raise our children. This is a place where strangers smile when I say hello. They respond, have a good one. And so I have.  

I've chosen where I live, who I am, where I'm going. I chose this city, this life, these friends, this family, this act of writing. I chose all of it and it I've chosen well. When I look closely, I see that it is good. It feels good too. I feel good. 

Friends can't wait until they move to Florida, Arizona, the Carolinas, out of Syracuse. Some sound happy about where they want to go. Others are just sound angry about where they are. I listen and nod. They ask, "where will you go?" I shrug, smile, and say that I'm good here. They ask, really? And I nod. There's not much to say and I've no reason to convince them to stay. It is enough that this is and has been the place for me. 

All of this has less to do with Syracuse, New York than it does with Brian G. Fay. The best thing about getting old is the settling down. As a kid I thought that would be depressing part, but being settled opens doors within me. Knowing where I am, I know better who I am and who I might become. 

It's about time I went out and scraped the driveway again. The snow is still coming hard, another two inches in the driveway. I'll do my neighbors' sidewalks to either side. We help each other out. If someone else is out there shoveling or just walking by, I'll say hello and listen to what they have to say about the storm. I'll smile because I'm standing in my driveway, outside my home, smack dab in the middle of where I want to be. I'll smile because I know where I am right now and it is good. Let it snow. I'll keep shoveling. 

February 07, 2018 /Brian Fay
Snow, Syracuse, Home, Contentment
Whatever Else

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