bgfay

Just got back from my first run in about a month.A slow 5K in the chilly Syracuse November. It felt good. I'm trying not to think beyond this one run and as I ran tried not to think of anything at all. It's no good thinking about the possible next runs. That's the way to failure. Instead, I want to be okay with the simple fact that I ran today and felt good. That's all. That's enough.

It's the same every time I run after a long layoff. I wonder, why haven't I done this sooner? But I know. It's because running felt impossible. It's not just that I feel unmotivated. Even at my lowest I a run will feel good and take me out of the darkness. I understand that as fact, but I just can't run right then. I'm know that just as sure. Of course I could run except that I can't.

I wish I could explain it better.

Chance gets me running again. Today, I left work earlier than in the last few weeks. I'd done a day's work and I'll put in extra hours tomorrow night. Staying at work would have been a case of diminishing returns for the organization and for me too. So I walked home, pet the dog, changed into running clothes, and went out the door, down the road.

There wasn't much thought or planning. Thought and planning keep me from running more than they get me out on the road. I felt like a run was possible and kind of wanted to. I didn't think it would transform me. I'd still be fat and the answers to life's big questions would still elude me. Still, it felt like the thing to do.

I texted my wife that I was going for a short run. I kept expectations low for me, not her. I told the dog I'd be back soon. That I went for a run and it was the same as it ever was. The same good, not great. Nothing to write home about, but here I am. Another thing same as it ever was.

It's best to let these things be instead of thinking them to death. Someday I may figure out how to do that. Then again, probably not.

Speaking of thinking things to death, this is another instance of writing something I've written before (probably several times). I worry about that but I need to think things through a few times. If I bored you, sorry, but that's how this works. The writing is free and you get what you pay for. I've probably written that before too.