Where's The Bottom?

Last night I was so tired that I stayed up late. I know that makes no sense, but it's what I do. I stayed up, watched a movie I'd seen before, and ate too much junk. None of this is unusual for me.

When I finally went to bed, I lay there wondering, where's the bottom?

In stories of addiction and recovery, there's the moment when someone hits bottom, stops drinking, and changes their life. My struggles are with food and bad habits. It's not like I can just stop eating or sitting.

When I think I'm at the bottom — weighing 225 pounds instead of 185-190 or spending the night feeling sick instead of sleeping — I wake ready to a change, but then I stay up late on the couch with a bag of chips.

Perhaps I'm looking in the wrong direction. Rather than staring into the abyss trying to find the bottom, I should to the sunlight and blue sky above this deep hole. I'm not sure how to do that.

Slowly, right? Except I fail to see how a short run or long walk moves me toward the light and ignore how the junk food and sleeplessness lead me deeper into darkness.

Usually, I try for some of conclusion in these posts. Today, I just have questions, some anxiety, and a picture of holding onto the side of a seemingly bottomless hole that also feels too high to climb.

Writing that, however, I notice a handhold just above my head. I think I can reach that. What happens next? I'll just have to see.