Deja Vu All Over Again, Damn It

I had a great idea for a post about exclamation points and how I have offended at least one person this week due to my refusal to use exclamation points in email.

This is the sort of thing that happens to me a lot (both having ideas for writing and offending people, but let's stay with the writing). Usually, I take the good idea to the keyboard and write until I decide I'm on the right track and keep going or decide there's nothing to it and give it up.

Sometimes a great idea feels really familiar. I was writing about exclamation points, telling how my typewriter (yeah, I own typewriters) doesn't have an exclamation point key. Great story, I thought but I also felt like I'd written it before. I kept going but began thinking that I hadn't just written it but had also posted it to this blog. I kept writing until I got to Gil Thorp.

My friend used to read the Gil Thorp newspaper comic and laugh at how nearly every word bubble ended in an exclamation point. We read out loud, exclaiming every line and laughing ourselves silly. Remembering that as I wrote started me smiling, but the sense of deja vu was overpowering. I opened a new tab and searched for Gil Thorp exclamation points. The second result was a piece I posted last April, the exact damn piece I was writing tonight. Damn. That's the sort of thing that almost calls for an exclamation point. But I'm no Gil Thorp.

Hey, want to hear about how my typewriter doesn't have an exclamation point key? Or have I told you that one already?

Experiments In Writing

When I started this blog it was an experiment about my writing. Would things I write survive in the larger world? I was tired of the Facebook posts and tweets designed only to state "I'm here; please notice me" and had nothing to give. The blogging experiment changed how I write, making me aware of audience in positive ways. A sense of audience can be destructive if I pander to readers, write what I think they want, and whore myself. Instead the sense of audience helped me consider what I might give, what service I might provide, how I might be of use. I learned a lot about that. The experiment proved the blog useful.

The blog turned into a different experiment as I grew weary of and damaged by my teaching job. I wondered, can I make a living through writing? I started a newsletter and investigated how to make the blog profitable but kept coming up against fundamental problems. To make money, I had to build an audience by posting on social media, keeping the blog to one topic, and examining audience metrics. I tried, but social media is so awful I deleted all my accounts, staying on one topic was too boring, and the focus on metrics made me small and mean. The experiment showed I wasn't going to make money on the blog. Oh well.

I found a new job that pays me to write and uses my other skills. The job has proven exciting, demanding, and profitable, but I've begun to fall out of balance, devoting too much of my time to the job, not getting more done, just taking more time. I miss and find I need to be writing and publishing more.

My new experiment is to restore balance, to use this blog to understand more things and develop ideas while still being of some use to readers. Which has me (and maybe you) wondering, what good is this post to anyone other than me? It's a good question.

Things change. Three years ago, I was halfway through what was my worst year of teaching and felt trapped by the pay and benefits. Two years ago things were even worse. Just over one year ago, I decided to quit and was counting the days. I had no idea what to do next, what I needed. Today, though happily escaped from that teaching job and doing much better work, I understand there's no end to what I need.

That makes me sound greedy, but it's about accepting change and knowing I'm aware of only a small amount of what will be revealed over the course of the next three years. There's no end to what I need because every day presents new possibilities, chances for new experiments.

I'd like to say I'll write here daily and return to a weekly newsletter, but instead I'll say I'm experimenting with that and with making time for writing more regularly. I'm trying to return to writing with the acceptance of what I don't know yet and that the experiment, successful or otherwise, will show me ways forward.

When I started this blog there was no way to know what I know now. That comforts me. I put one word down and then another, sentence by sentence, until I formed the writing I've published so far. I have a lot of room to grow and learn. This next experiment in balance and return is all about that.

What's your next experiment?

Blog Slow Down (Not Stopped)

In case anyone wonders why there are weeks when I don't write, here's what's going on.

My job involves a lot of writing, meetings, and reading. It's great stuff that makes me feel alive instead of killing me as my teaching job did, but it takes brain power and time especially when things are busy. This week I've been working on a large grant, four small ones, a medium-sized one into which doesn't quite fit the project, and a whole bunch of meetings and emails. Coming home from that I can be with family, get some exercise, read a book, see a friend, do more work, write a blog post, and so on. Lots of choices.

Lately, I've chosen to be with the family, go to the gym, and do some work to keep mind, body, and spirit all in good working order. At home I spend time with my girls and wife, I work out, and, for now, return to work in the evening instead of writing.

Is this wise?

If I were doing it as a way of life, then it would be a mistake, but this is a wave I'm riding. Things will settle down next week. I'll be restored to balance. It's okay to put in extra time on work. I'm not worried that I'm falling off the beam. I'm still writing Morning Pages first thing each day and sneaking in moments of writing when the urge overcomes me.

It's not as though I'm blocked. That's almost never a problem. The few times I get to feeling blocked, I set a timer and pick up the pen or put my fingers on the keyboard. When the timer goes off, I have words that show me the truth of the matter. There's always something to say. It's simply a matter of returning to the rhythm.

As for the blog, It will wait. None of you pay for this so I doubt you feel cheated. I've got a patient audience and for that I'm grateful. I'm learning to be patient too instead of going to anxiety: oh no, I haven't written a blog post this week! I want to nod at that, think about it with a pen or keyboard, and, voila, there's a blog post.

I haven't posted much, but I'm still here, life is good. I hope it's the same for you, that you're busy with good stuff, loving the ways in which your life is moving, and ready when the moment comes to reach out and share.

Say It Again, Sam

I've probably published thoughts like this before, but I need to hear good ideas over and over before they sink in. Then, a few years later, I need to be reminded. Maybe you do too.

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I still start every day writing three Morning Pages by hand. Sometimes the pages are pep talks or therapy sessions and feel like wasted time, especially when I go weeks on the same old ruminations rather than producing things to send out into the world. I worry I'm being self-indulgent and beating herds of dead horses. What's the point of writing it all down again and again?

Well, the point is writing it down again, telling it in a slightly different in order to make sense of it.

For almost two months I've been writing about my health and weight almost every morning. None of those pages have any place out in the world. Reading them would probably be as exciting as circling the drain. They're not useful for me to reread.

Which gets me anxious as I'm writing them.

I'm lucky though. I've done Morning Pages long enough to know it's okay. I'm working through something. I'll figure it out and move on. Eventually.

As always in writing (and in living too?) the answer is to keep writing and trust that words written one after another always move me to new understanding. It would be nice if things moved faster — I've gnawed on one topic for almost two months — but this is how it works for me. I trust the process.

Tomorrow morning I'll get up and write three Morning Pages by hand. They may be about my health and weight. I don't know. But whatever happens, I'll just keep writing.