The other day a friend was focused on something I had put to bed after only a little bit of thought. We were on the phone and he was focused, almost obsessed, like it was crucial. He had spent hours anxiously working on it and couldn't understand how I could be so calm.

As we talked, I felt pulled by his expectations. Maybe I should be more concerned. Have I missed something important? I felt his anxiety creeping in as I doubted myself.

Then I paused and took a deep breath.

He kept talking, but I stepped out of his storm into a quiet, protected space for a moment.

I skimmed the plan I had put in place as he talked about his concerns and worries about his planning. My plan still looked good enough to me if not for him.

I breathed again and thought, I'm okay.

I climbed back into the conversation, secure enough in my decisions that his storm raged on without disturbing me.

The pause and deep breath allowed me to name the anxiety I felt and decide whether or not to keep feeling it. My children tire of me saying it but anxiety (among many other things) is a choice. The pause and deep breath give me a chance to make good choices.

The pause, breath, and decision separated me from my friend's anxiety. Losing myself in his anxiety, I'm not good to me, the people I lead, or my friend. Separate from his anxiety, I connect better with him and myself.

It's a self-centered technique in two ways. One, I take a moment to think about myself. Two, it centers my self so I'm of use to others. That kind of selfishness pays dividends for everyone.

After pausing, breathing, deciding, and getting some space, I came back to the conversation and eased my friend's anxiety a little. I showed him I had chose not to be anxious about it.

However it worked out for him, I came out more centered and balanced than I had gone in. All from a brief pause and deep breath which made room for a good choice. Quite a return from so simple a technique.