Experiments In Writing

When I started this blog it was an experiment about my writing. Would things I write survive in the larger world? I was tired of the Facebook posts and tweets designed only to state "I'm here; please notice me" and had nothing to give. The blogging experiment changed how I write, making me aware of audience in positive ways. A sense of audience can be destructive if I pander to readers, write what I think they want, and whore myself. Instead the sense of audience helped me consider what I might give, what service I might provide, how I might be of use. I learned a lot about that. The experiment proved the blog useful.

The blog turned into a different experiment as I grew weary of and damaged by my teaching job. I wondered, can I make a living through writing? I started a newsletter and investigated how to make the blog profitable but kept coming up against fundamental problems. To make money, I had to build an audience by posting on social media, keeping the blog to one topic, and examining audience metrics. I tried, but social media is so awful I deleted all my accounts, staying on one topic was too boring, and the focus on metrics made me small and mean. The experiment showed I wasn't going to make money on the blog. Oh well.

I found a new job that pays me to write and uses my other skills. The job has proven exciting, demanding, and profitable, but I've begun to fall out of balance, devoting too much of my time to the job, not getting more done, just taking more time. I miss and find I need to be writing and publishing more.

My new experiment is to restore balance, to use this blog to understand more things and develop ideas while still being of some use to readers. Which has me (and maybe you) wondering, what good is this post to anyone other than me? It's a good question.

Things change. Three years ago, I was halfway through what was my worst year of teaching and felt trapped by the pay and benefits. Two years ago things were even worse. Just over one year ago, I decided to quit and was counting the days. I had no idea what to do next, what I needed. Today, though happily escaped from that teaching job and doing much better work, I understand there's no end to what I need.

That makes me sound greedy, but it's about accepting change and knowing I'm aware of only a small amount of what will be revealed over the course of the next three years. There's no end to what I need because every day presents new possibilities, chances for new experiments.

I'd like to say I'll write here daily and return to a weekly newsletter, but instead I'll say I'm experimenting with that and with making time for writing more regularly. I'm trying to return to writing with the acceptance of what I don't know yet and that the experiment, successful or otherwise, will show me ways forward.

When I started this blog there was no way to know what I know now. That comforts me. I put one word down and then another, sentence by sentence, until I formed the writing I've published so far. I have a lot of room to grow and learn. This next experiment in balance and return is all about that.

What's your next experiment?

In Lieu Of...

While I'm trying to make time to get back to posting my own stuff, I want to share this from Alan Jacobs' One More Post About Twitter:

Twitter is even worse than I remember it being. The same compulsive temporary madness-of-crowds obsessions — sure, of course, Kobe Bryant is the most important person in your life, even though you’ve never mentioned him before and will probably never mention him again — but conducted with a greater intensity than I had remembered. Also, it seems that the reply function is now reserved as a dedicated performance space for sociopaths (if you don’t believe me, look at the first ten replies to any widely-read tweet).

What a horrible, horrible thing Twitter is. If the people who work there weren’t sociopaths themselves they’d shut the whole thing down for the good of humanity.

I couldn't have said it better, though regular readers know I have tried.

I like the part describing people who work at Twitter as sociopaths but would confine the accusation to those in charge. The workers are trying to earn a dollar and I too worked for an organization doing terrible things.

Have mercy on their wretched souls while people in charge burn in hell.

Blog Slow Down (Not Stopped)

In case anyone wonders why there are weeks when I don't write, here's what's going on.

My job involves a lot of writing, meetings, and reading. It's great stuff that makes me feel alive instead of killing me as my teaching job did, but it takes brain power and time especially when things are busy. This week I've been working on a large grant, four small ones, a medium-sized one into which doesn't quite fit the project, and a whole bunch of meetings and emails. Coming home from that I can be with family, get some exercise, read a book, see a friend, do more work, write a blog post, and so on. Lots of choices.

Lately, I've chosen to be with the family, go to the gym, and do some work to keep mind, body, and spirit all in good working order. At home I spend time with my girls and wife, I work out, and, for now, return to work in the evening instead of writing.

Is this wise?

If I were doing it as a way of life, then it would be a mistake, but this is a wave I'm riding. Things will settle down next week. I'll be restored to balance. It's okay to put in extra time on work. I'm not worried that I'm falling off the beam. I'm still writing Morning Pages first thing each day and sneaking in moments of writing when the urge overcomes me.

It's not as though I'm blocked. That's almost never a problem. The few times I get to feeling blocked, I set a timer and pick up the pen or put my fingers on the keyboard. When the timer goes off, I have words that show me the truth of the matter. There's always something to say. It's simply a matter of returning to the rhythm.

As for the blog, It will wait. None of you pay for this so I doubt you feel cheated. I've got a patient audience and for that I'm grateful. I'm learning to be patient too instead of going to anxiety: oh no, I haven't written a blog post this week! I want to nod at that, think about it with a pen or keyboard, and, voila, there's a blog post.

I haven't posted much, but I'm still here, life is good. I hope it's the same for you, that you're busy with good stuff, loving the ways in which your life is moving, and ready when the moment comes to reach out and share.

Acceptance & The Return

Well, I ate too much yesterday, but I'm up early enough to get to writing group without hurrying. I win some and lose some. I don't have a piece of writing to bring to group, but there are other things to do there besides focusing on me.

I ate all three meals yesterday out at restaurants — a bagel and cream cheese for breakfast, burger, fries and beer for lunch; taco, fries, and margarita at dinner. No wonder the scale read 220.0 pounds this morning when I was 216.8 yesterday. Have I really gained 3.2 solid pounds in a day? No, but it's a reminder to do things differently today.

Tomorrow I'll be back at 216-217 pounds. It won't require much effort beyond returning to habits I've built the last month and a half. I have three steps planned:

1. Return to two light meals prepared at home,
2. Continue fifty push-ups a day, working on twenty consecutive, and
3. Hit the gym or go for a run.

Nothing complicated, radical, or new. It's just a return to what I've been doing and how I have been feeling.

How have I been feeling? Better until this morning when I woke tired, feeling there was still food in my belly. I woke up feeling full, knowing I had made mistakes yesterday.

Yet I'm not feeling guilt, anger, or even disappointment. That's pretty weird for me. Weirder still, I feel comfortable knowing I'm ready to return, that I'm already returning. I'm not about to redouble my efforts or get down to serious work on this. No, I'm just returning to what I've been doing. Yesterday happened and I know why. I accept it.

Previously, losing weight was about will power and giving things up. Guess how well that worked. This time, instead of will power I'm depending on accepting who I am while still believing in the need for change. It's a weird balance that I can't explain well but feel strongly and that's enough. I accept yesterday's eating and I'm open to the return to my habits.

Accepting the bad and good paves the way for the gift of a return. The return isn't about past mistakes or problems. It's welcoming myself with gratitude and happiness, maybe even love and returning to the journey.

That sense of return allows me to better accept that the journey is long and that in turn makes it easy to dismiss small problems. I was sick for nine days, but that doesn't end the journey. I ate poorly yesterday, but that hardly matters on the journey. No need to pile on the idea that I have to make up for mistakes and repair damage. I just return to what I had been doing.

What about the weight? Earlier I said that I'll be 216-217 pounds tomorrow. That sounds like I'll have to punish myself for yesterday's mistake with a day of fasting or a killer workout, but I'm sure the return will take me where I want to go, that I'll be back in the groove and things will just work out. No punishment necessary.

I feel lighter than when I woke, lighter than when I started writing this. I'm feeling the return and acceptance, the trust that the path to which I'm returning is a good one. If nothing else, I'm lighter for shedding the dead weight of guilt and recrimination. Acceptance turns out to be so much lighter.