When In Doubt, Run

This afternoon I got stuck. I had been doing paperwork and paying bills. My job starts again tomorrow and I don't like working there. The temperature and humidity are way up. The anxiety of not knowing what to do chewed on me.

Then I went for a run.

I haven't run in a few days. I've been too tired, anxious, and hot. I'm tired today, kind of anxious, and pretty hot, but, without thinking, I went upstairs, changed into running shorts, strapped on my running sandals and watch, went out, and jogged down the street.

Those who don't run won't believe this, but my fatigue, anxiety, and discomfort were gone within a hundred yards. I hadn't solved the underlying problems, but they just didn't matter as I focused on the rhythms of my steps and breathing.

Back home now, it's hot enough that I'm dripping in sweat even after a shower, but most of my anxiety is gone and I'm full of vim and vigor. I still have to go to my job tomorrow. I can run but not hide from that.

Running is my thing. My daughter swims. My other daughter sings and dances. My wife walks. Do what you love to do, especially when you're anxious and thinking that you just can't. I say this knowing all the times I've felt that I couldn't follow that advice. I'm saying it as much for my benefit as yours. I need to be reminded.

When in doubt, run.

Facebook People

You know the Facebook people. They post perfect pictures of perfect family outings. Their curated lives look too good to be true and surely are, but still I feel envious and worried that I'm doing it all wrong. I had a Facebook friend whose posts were all hikes in the woods, picnics by waterfalls, and perfectly white smiles. Too perfect to believe, but I believed enough to feel anxious about my family life.

I've dropped Facebook. I can't say I'm enlightened nor will I advise you to delete your account. Instead, like a drunk, I count days off Facebook (and Twitter) and try to see myself in the world. My days have few hikes, waterfalls, or polished smiles, but I'm not shooting for all that. One benefit of my sobriety is that the Facebook life seems less worth living now.

That said, I'm posting on this blog, wondering if that's any different from Facebook. The best things I read online show writers wandering and wondering, trying to figure things out. They post in the way I wanted to create a Facebook feed showing my wife folding laundry, my daughter scooping cat litter while listening to headphones, my other daughter still eating dinner half an hour after we've all finished, and the four of us staring at Grand Designs on television. I figured that there would be a shot of someone taking a crap on the toilet. The real Facebook of Central New York.

I've been sworn to never ever post a toilet picture.

Instead, there's this post: me thinking about the Facebook people, the angry mob on Twitter, and the ways we manufacture lives that don't exist. I may be doing there here or I might be trying to make sense of life and live better. The jury is still out.

Instead of hiking and waterfalls, our summer consisted mostly of:

  • Cooking food and eating together with family and friends
  • Washing dishes, doing laundry, and cleaning up as we went
  • Reading books outside in the shade
  • Writing things down and taking lots of pictures
  • Savoring marriage, parenthood, and friendships
  • Traveling together
  • Quitting social media

This about all I know of how to live well. Maybe the Facebook people are posting their own lists and it's just that they're ways to contentment and happiness are different from mine.

As this wondrous summer ends and I go back to a job I don't love, I wonder what my feed will look like. I want to believe I'll stick with the list I've created this summer and live a life almost equal that of those imagined by the Facebook people. Hell, I might even come across a waterfall on some hike and feel my face break into a wide and picture perfect smile.

E:25

There are no glamorous dishwashers. The dishwasher is the kid on the lowest wrung, the bum who can get no other job, or someone down on their luck. No one aspires to dish washing.

And yet I'm kind of savoring the job.

Last week, our dishwasher read E:25 which translates as "your dishwasher's broken." Helpful. I bailed the water and probed for blocks. I ran it again. The pump started. The pump stopped. Started. Stopped. Water came through the tube. Then E:25.

The repair guy fit us in last Friday. He's cool. I like talking to him. I like that he takes his shoes off even though I tell him not to bother. I like how he makes friends with our nervous dog. He showed me how to free the impeller. Packing up, he warned that the pump might go, but if it did, he wouldn't charge for another service call.

Good thing too, because the next morning, E:25

He replaced the pump this Friday. I came down this morning. E:25.

The tough part is expecting the dishwasher to work. It's Charlie Brown trying to kick the football. Washing all those dishes by hand is a job, but I don't mind a broken dishwasher once I get over the surprise.

Here's a Zen dish washing story:

A monk told Joshu, “I have just entered the monastery. Please teach me.” Joshu asked, “Have you eaten your porridge?" The monk had. Joshu said, “Then you had better wash your bowl.” At that moment the monk was enlightened.

Knowing I'm at E:25, I wash my plate or cup soon as I'm through eating. Am I enlightened? I don't know. But the soap on my hands, the water running through my fingertips, these things feel good.

Who needs a dishwasher?

My daughters and wife do.

I've called the guy. We will talk again while, shoeless as a monk, he dives in and we wait on enlightenment.